Vindication, or, Back on My Feet

So I admit it. The caucus here was a tough pill for me to swallow. It knocked me off my game, and I spent a reasonable amount of time last week wallowing in something like self pity. I feel justified in some of it, or I would have called it unreasonable. It was feeling the heartbreak not THAT we lost, but of HOW we lost, and the guilt that, unlike my friends, I was not going forward to make amends for the failure.

Then there was the talk. "Of course Obama will win in SC," they said, "all the other black folk'll vote for him." There was a genuine concern that we wouldn't win by a big enough margin, or, in the final days, that we would win without the white vote, thereby proving that he was only viable where there were large black populations. Such is the nature of the game. Once they managed to inject race into the conversation, everything hinged on it. Nevermind that our first, and most important, victory was in lily-white Iowa. That's soooooo two weeks ago, and now, if a black man can't muster a real percentage of the white vote in the south, he must not really be viable.

It was an ugly week, following an ugly week. But it ended beautifully.

In case you were living under a rock since Saturday morning, Barack earned more votes in South Carolina than there were people who voted in South Carolina in 2004. No, that isn't a mistake. More people turned out and voted for Barack than voted at all in the 2004 primary. And, after losing significantly in only two demographics - white men and voters over 65 - we finished the day with more than twice the votes our nearest opponent garnered.

I spent most of Saturday absolutely paralyzed. My worst fear was to watch as Barack won South Carolina only to be written off, when only a month ago he was behind in polls there. I was afraid they'd marginalize him with the "Black Candidate" tag, despite the fact that until a month ago the question was whether or not he could even win the black vote. Mostly, I was afraid that the politics of cynicism and division would triumph, that Billary's ham-handed attacks and semi-veiled attempts to turn him into the "angry black man" would prevail. I was afraid that the man I see as the best example of the American Dream would fall victim to the worst impulses, the worst tendencies this country has to offer. Even when the stations called the race 5 minutes after the polls closed, I was still scared shitless. When people called to congratulate, all I could say was, "what percentage of the white vote are they calling?" My hope had been reduced, unequivocally, to fear. And I couldn't stand to imagine what would happen to me (fear has a way of clouding concern for everyone but the self) if my fears became reality. Forget hope, I think I would have lost faith if they'd pulled it off the way they wanted it.

But it didn't work out that way. 80% of the black vote, yes, but also 24% of the white vote. Almost even among white women. 50% of white voters under 30. As I said, the only demographics we clearly lost were white men (turns out we all like John Edwards?) and white voters over 65. And in the landslide, Barack said exactly what he needed to say.

If you haven't seen the speech, please stop now, and watch it here:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=-iVAPH_EcmQ

Barack talked about race. And he talked about age. And he talked about trying to relive the past, and where the past has failed us. And he said, as you've seen, that this isn't about Black versus White or Young versus Old, it's about the Past versus the Future.

Caroline Kennedy wrote a wonderful op-ed endorsement Sunday for the NYT. You should read it, if you haven't already. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/27/opinion/27kennedy.html?_r=1&hpq&oref=slogin
It came on the heels of the NYT editorial board endorsing their "hometown" gal, but I think it says something more than their bread and butter issues article could. What it says is, there is an America we can all believe in. And I've seen it firsthand. There're people who've lived their whole lives at best suspicious of, and at worst downright prejudiced against, black people. And yet somehow, these people look at Barack and see the America they believe in. I know I see the America I believe in. The one where we can disagree, but it doesn't stop us from standing side by side. The one where anyone can be anything.

And tomorrow, the last real Kennedy is expected to make his endorsement. He was not supposed to endorse at all. But tomorrow, Teddy's expected to say that Barack is carrying the mantle of his brothers, and that he can remain silent no more. He's supposed to say that this is where the party should be going, forward, not backward. He's expected to say that he's supporting Barack because, after so many years of being told what we can't do, he's supporting someone who shows us that we can. And that should mean something.

So I'm back on my feet again. And, as Kodos said, always whirling, whirling, whirling towards freedom.