Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Perfect Boston Christmas Story

It was four days before christmas and snowing so hard that the cloud only ended about 100 feet above the ground and I couldn't see the runway, even when we were on it.

Standing at baggage claim, I had some questions about which city I had landed in. There was a group, just arrived to pick up their friend, who could've been submitted to hotchickswithdouchebags.com if the chick had been hot. One of the dudes had apparently watched one too many episodes of Miami Vice in deciding his outfit - fuzzy teal blazer, white tee-shirt, white slacks, white leather loafers, and oversized teal novelty sunglasses with little slats like Venetian blinds over the lenses. Did I mention that this is inside, at 10am? In Boston? In December?

His friend had clearly not gotten the location/time/date memo. Specimen number two was dressed in the most incredible array of hipster clothing ever assembled by a fratboy. His yellow straw fashion cowboy hat sat very stylishly atop a red bandana worn as a do-rag. He had a designer dress shirt (probably Hart and Huntington), french cuffs rolled up one half roll, and shirtfront buttoned down 5 buttons to show off his shaved chest. Yes, you read that right, shaved chest. No, he wasn't just hairless. That thing was definitely shaved. Additionally, he had designer jeans accented by gleaming white high-tops, and further improved with the perfect douchebag accessory - a pair of drumsticks in his back pocket. Cuz nothing says "I've never played a musical instrument" like carrying drumsticks in your back pocket to pick up your friend at the airport at 10am Sunday morning in the middle of a fucking blizzard.

The worst part was not the bizarre and pathetic attempt to look awesome, pulled off with such panache and complete misunderstanding of style and hipness as to simultaneously inspire awe and the guilt that attends making fun of the mentally disadvantaged. It wasn't the complete incongruity of the outfits with the surroundings - Logan Airport baggage claim, 10am Sunday morning, December 21, snowing and 29 degrees outside. No, the worst part was the fact that these two had obviously dressed this way that very morning and were not just recycling their douchebag costumes from the night before. I did, however, find myself wondering as to the number of Jager Bombs they had consumed in the last 24 hours. Jager Bombs and Heineken, I have no doubt about it.

Once my ride had arrived, we left this prime example of why people should need a license to reproduce and be issued one only after extensive screening. Headed for East Boston, it was still snowing hard, and there was snow everywhere, particularly along the sides of the road.

In some areas of Boston, there's a very specific code. The plows come in the night, and essentially bury any and all cars parked along the side. Any unfilled but eligible spaces fill with the overflow snow. The next day, car owners and those souls intrepid and ambitious enough to bother (there is relatively good public transit here, even in areas not easily serviced by the T) proceed to free their vehicles or open a space by shoveling. However, as everything in Boston comes with some sort of entitlement, the space that has been cleared then becomes de facto property of the individual who bravely opened accessibility. Thus, when such a person departs, he or she leaves a chair, a road cone, an old end table, a recycling box... anything he or she can find to mark the spot and claim it in perpetuity.

As we approached the diner, there was just such a spot, located much too deliciously close to avoid the temptation. I hopped out, moved the chair, and Julie parked.

Breakfast, for my current purposes, is an irrelevancy unworthy of note. However, exiting the restaurant filled with coffee, french toast and nutella, we discovered a peculiar situation. Our car, somehow, was now snowed in. If there had been any mystery to this, it lasted only as long as it took the guy with the shovel to dump his next load behind the car.

He was middle aged, overweight by 60 pounds, wearing non-descript winter gear (would've been cooler in a teal blazer, but whatever), and a Red Sox cap. In whatever time had elapsed between his arrival and our return, he had managed to pile about one and a half feet of slush and snow around every side of the car.

(please forgive my phonetic spelling of some parts of the following. But it's nowhere near as funny if you can't here Dude's Boston accent, which really made the whole thing)

Dude: This yowa cah? [Excuse me, does this vehicle belong to you?]

Julie: Yep.

Dude: Maybe yowa nawt familyah with the system heeyah, but when theya's a chaya in a spawt, that means you don't pahk theya. That's how it works in this naybahood. But you probably didn't know that. I mean, you voted for Obama, so cleahly you don't know much. [Hey moron, I can see from the Prius you're driving that you're not from around here, so let me explain the system because you're some sort of retard and you voted for a commie on top of it]

Julie: Yeah, it's also highly illegal.

Dude: Well, illegal, whatevah, the mayer agrees wit me.
(Meanwhile, Dude continues to shovel snow in behind the car)

Me: Yeah, the mayor voted for Obama, too.

Julie: Ok, whatever, you can stop doing that now.

Dude: I'll keep fuckin' doin' this as long as I want.
(Julie removes snow shovel and broom from her trunk, I take shovel and begin to shovel us out)

Dude: You know, people work haahd to shovel out a spawt. I know yowa nawt from around heeyah, but just so you know, that how it werks.

(Julie uses broom to brush snow that's fallen off of car. I continue to shovel it out. Dude gives up shoveling, leans against his van, which he was apparently able to park in the next space over without trouble. He makes a variety of incomprehensible but no doubt snarky comments under his breath. Two latino dudes with snow shovels stand in a doorway and watch, laughing. I finish)

Me: Ok, I think we're good.
(Julie gets in the car, dude is now on his cell phone, speaking more loudly)

Dude: Yeah, some dumbass pahked in my spawt. (pause) No, I shoveled theya cahr in. (pause) No, next time they'll get fowa flat tiyahs. (pause) No, I didn't tell them that, but he can heeya me just fine.

Me: Dude, why you gonna go getting all west-coast passive aggressive? I mean, you
went to all this work, and now you're not gonna say that to my face?

Dude: I just did.

Me: No, you just told you friend loud enough for me to hear. Seriously. If you want to say it, do it, but don't get all passive aggressive after you just shoveled my car in.

Dude: Ok, do that again in this naybahood, you'll get fowa slashed tiyas.

Me: Thanks. That's way better.
(Julie starts trying to pull out of the space, but her Prius isn't really designed for snow. I start pushing, dude comes over)

Dude: Heyah, let me help you with that.
(car gets loose, I go towards the passenger side)

Dude: See, I'm nawt such a bad guy.

Me: Oh, no worries. I thought it was hilarious. I'd have done the same thing.

Dude: So, no haahd feelings?

Me: No, it's all good.

Dude: (extending his hand) I'm Frankie D!

Me: Evan.

Frankie D: I figyahd you guys were new to the naybahood, wanted to make shoewa you undahstood the system.

Me: Alright. Take it easy Frankie D.

Frankie D: Merry Christmas!

Me: You too.


Perfect. I love Boston. In very small, very short doses. As soon as I realized my feet were wet and cold, I wanted to go home again.

addendum: My buddy from Philly laughed at this. He was like, "you guys are a bunch of fuckin' sissies. In Philly, he would've slashed your tires and stood around to pick a fight when you got back. You heard it Boston. Philly is referring to us as a bunch of lilly livered panty waists. At least we've got subtelty. ;-)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Rick Warren and the Obama Doctrine

I've paid as little attention as possible to things like the current kerfluffle surrounding the selection of Pastor Rick Warren to perform the Inaugural Invocation. However, I recently had an exchange that sparked a bit of thought.

A volunteer who had come from California to Las Vegas to carry us through the final days of the campaign wrote asking that I forward his note to those in the "Obama in crowd" with whom I was familiar. After reading his thoughts, I was moved to a few of my own. For his own words, read here: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=767378991&ref=profile#/note.php?note_id=39119134286&ref=nf

The truth is, I pay very little attention to these types of issues because what has come to pass for dialogue in this country is anything but. Dialogue has come to mean two or more opposing "experts" presenting individual monologues at increasing volume until the commercial break. Or, in this case, a letter writing protest campaign that does nothing but stir continued controversy for the talking heads to bloviate further until we are all stirred into an irrational frenzy. This sickness started long before I ever bothered following politics, and has undoubtedly culminated in the preposterous situation in which we currently find ourselves. The simple fact is that, if anyone in positions of authority bothered to listen to opposing voices with any seriousness, most of the issues we currently face would long ago have found reasonable solutions or been prevented altogether.

I decided that I, for one, would not shrink from engaging in a discussion, nor would I pay party line lipservice to the cause du jour. And so, rather than perform my perfunctory lie of "yes, I'll pass it on," followed by a quick trip to my trash can, I decided to write a real response, which can be found below. And, since I'm currently unemployed (available for hire?), and will soon be trying to find ways to escape from my family over the holidays (enjoy personal time?), I hereby throw my hat into the ring to be trampled and/or carried aloft. Allow me to present my argument for the Obama Doctrine, and the inclusion of Rick Warren in my 30th birthday party (oh yes, Jan. 20 is actually my 30th birthday party, this inauguration business is just a sideshow).

Hi Kevin,

I have been well, although now getting very bored. Hopefully, there will be something productive for me soon.

As to my ties with the Obama "in-crowd", I was never much in with them. However, I will be happy to pass your note to those with whom I am in touch.

For myself, to be honest, I think the selection of Warren is a good one. The reasons are:

1: While his support for prop 8 is something I firmly condemn, he has played an integral role in moving the evangelical discussion into progressive arenas on issues ranging from climate change to poverty.

2: He is respected in large parts of the evangelical community, and the hopes of preventing further laws similar to prop 8 rest, I believe, in engaging people in dialogue, not in protest or boycott.

3: The greatest need we have in this country is dialogue. It has been the most sorely lacking aspect of governance in the last many years, including the Clinton years. The idea that we should refuse to seek diverse points of view or that shutting out voices of opposition is productive has been clearly disproven. I believe that allowing someone such as Warren to take part, despite a clear disagreement on an important issue, will help to open the lines of dialogue for all of us. I further believe it will allow us to change minds on many issues, just as Warren has been able to bring millions of evangelicals to the causes of environmental stewardship, philanthropy, and other social issues that are too often anathema to the religious right.

4: If we want to live in a pluralist society where ALL voices are heard, and where ALL people are truly equal, then we not only cannot shrink from including those with whom we disagree, indeed, we must seek them out and invite them to take part in the process. Only by including ALL voices and opinions can we hope to win support for our own ideas. The bigotry that you suffer is caused by something not dissimilar from the root of your protest - an unwillingness to engage in a calm and rational discussion with those we oppose or simply do not understand. The philosophy which has produced the greatest progressive results of the last century, Gandhi's non-violent resistance, requires that we show we are willing to do what our opponents are not: engage with and undertake to understand an opposing, and in this case oppressive, point of view, despite our strongest reservations.

In the end, I personally support the selection of Rick Warren, but I will be happy to present your case to those few individuals I know. No one was ever hurt by hearing an opposing point of view. The most important lessons of my life were learned by hearing out my opponents. At worst, I came away having confirmed my own predisposition. Often, I came away with a new perspective that strengthened my own ideas. At best, I was able to open my opponent's mind to a new idea. I worked to elect Barack not because I thought he would value the wise council of those with whom I agree, but because I knew he would seek the opinions of those whom I oppose.

End transmission.

And begin the Obama Doctrine. I for one welcome it. I'm tired of finger pointing, I'm tired of name calling, I'm tired of letter writing campaigns, blustering emails, fanciful ads in the NYT, and all manner of protest. I'm not a partisan warrior. I'm not into holding signs, or yelling, or going home if I don't get my way. If you thought we were electing a partisan warrior, you were looking at the wrong guy. If you want the liberal version of GWB, someone who seeks only complementary council and pushes forward only a fractional agenda, then you're no better than everyone you spit on. If everyone doesn't have a seat at the table, everyone loses the game. I personally am ready to play.

* addendum - just to be clear, I'd like to restate my strong opposition to Warren's stance on gay marriage. If the so-called defenders of traditional marriage really want to protect marriage and hew strictly to biblical teachings, their first real battle has to be for the criminalization of divorce. If you're gonna pick a fight based on religion and not bigotry, that's the one. Nowhere does the bible say that two men or two women can't marry one another, just that they're not supposed to engage in physical intimacy. There are some pretty strong words to be said against divorce in there though. Religious argument against gay marriage is, in my opinion, based in bigotry, not gospel, and the focus on gay marriage as a threat to traditional marriage is a white elephant, a flimsy smokescreen for hatemongering and a pathetically thin hypocracy. If you want a fundamentalist interpretation of the bible, outlaw divorce first. Oh, but wait. Then you'd be limited in your options too.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Max Kennedy

For those who've been waiting, never fear. A massive update awaits, just as soon as I'm done sleeping.

However, an incredible story from the final non-election day of the campaign.

Max Kennedy, son of Bobby, is traipsing around Las Vegas, and generally firing people up wherever he goes. I say traipsing, because unlike other surrogates, he refused a staff escort. He just took his schedule, hopped in the car with his wife and their GPS system, and set out to meet the organizers and volunteers.

He arrived a little early to our office, while we were unloading boxes of literature for tomorrow's blitz. He didn't say anything, he just grabbed boxes and helped us unload. Then, when we were finished, he was like, "Who's Evan? I'm Max."

He took time to talk to everyone, and then addressed us all. He talked to us about the importance of Field, and how the last Field-Based Democratic Campaign for President was 40 years ago when his father ran.

One of our volunteers was a Field Organizer for Kerry in '04, and had gone canvassing in the not-so-hot part of town with Max then. They reminisced about knocking on the doors of low rent motels and driving hookers to their polling places.

One of our volunteers is an older woman, a child of the Kennedy era, and her eyes were sparkling while he talked to her, and streaming tears when he talked about how he saw his father's legacy being carried forward.

One of our volunteers, another child of the Kennedy era, came up and said, "I just want to tell you, I've only ever volunteered for one other campaign, and it was your daddy's."

It's moments like this that make me remember what an incredible opportunity I've had, what an amazing ride this has been, and how lucky I am to be a part of this.

And thank you. Thank you to everyone who joined on, who kept fighting, day after day, kept the phones humming, and the doorbells ringing. Thanks to everyone who made it a part of daily life for so long. No one expected this, especially in Nevada, and we earned it fair and square.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

A Complete Remodel?

Why have just one aimless blog when I can have two? It's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately. Since my earlier writings and my more recent writings aren't really getting along, and, therefore, are asking for a divorce, I've decided to answer the question by trying it out.

So, henceforth, those who wish to read whatever analytical (and most likely not campaign related as we move into the GE) writing I post here shall continue to do so, mindful of the fact that it will likely be not the most well updated, nor will it be likely to posses many things you can't read somewhere else.

Those who wish to follow my experiments with the sonnet and other forms of metered and non-metered but non-analytic writing should henceforth direct their attention to www.evansuttonpoetry.blogspot.com.

Fair warning, however, that the new one will, on occasion, contain graphic language and adult content not suitable for all audiences. I'll try to warn you before the post, but I'm not your mama, so read at your own risk.

Ciao!

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Why I Love This Guy

This was originally not supposed to go anywhere, but since our New Media team has put it on YouTube, I think the cat's out of the bag.

There are a lot of reasons I point to when people say, "yeah, but is he really different?" There are a lot of reasons that I'll happily do whatever they tell me to do. This is a perfect example of all of it - the day before HRC suspended her campaign, we got this:



I didn't write it. It's not in iambic pentameter. But I think we can all see the poetry, no matter the format.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Assorted Random Thoughts

I realize I've been MIA on the blogging front for a period. Part of it is that the work I'm doing now is a combination of incredibly boring, process management, and highly sensitive, so it's not really blog-able. Simultaneously, the race has become incredibly pedestrian, as it seems to have resigned itself to a game of political one-upsmanship. It's kind of like watching Crossfire, only before John Stewart exposed it for the ridiculous sham it is. My comment, politically, for the moment is simply this: anyone but Hillary Clinton would have long since been forced out of the race, or, like Ron Paul on the Republican side, marginalized to the point of virtual extinction. But, because of who she is, there was no real call from the media or the political establishment after her series of 11 straight losses, nor after her less than game changing performances in recent contests. Now, because she is Hillary Clinton, once heir apparent to the throne and queen to the aging king, she is being allowed to continue what is essentially a clear eyed, kamikaze attempt to usurp the vote. In so doing she is making a mockery of the process, of the system, and of the voters.

But I'm tired of it, to be honest. Tired of the handwringing pundits, and breathless suspense that doesn't exist, and the endless speculation about who knows whom or how what who said is surely the end of everything. Short of the miraculous (earning upwards of 70% of the remaining pledged delegates), there is no legitimate way for her to win any longer. The popular vote, no matter what they tell you, is not a legitimate metric, and becomes especially illegit when made, as she would, to count votes in MI where she was the only person on the ballot. The rules were agreed to by all, and the rules don't change halfway through. But as this continues, one candidate insists on playing a high-profile game of Calvinball, constantly shifting the goalposts and the means of scoring. It doesn't change the simple fact that most people with an understanding of the process and an ability to look beyond the most recent dustup understand that a nominee chosen by superdelegates despite trailing in the one metric that everyone agreed to follow would serve only to open significant fault lines in the party. And, should that take place, I feel confident we will see the '68 Convention repeat itself, Rush Limbaugh's finest dreams be realized, and the democratic party perform a spectacular and no doubt painful act of ritual suicide.

But that's about all I'm inclined to say on that.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Funniest Campaign Analysis Ever

Ok, so, once again, I did not write this. I wish I had, because it's hilarious. I don't necessarily agree with everything in it (Yoda, for example, would be a little to holier-than-thou as a candidate) but I do think several of these are both brilliant and very carefully thought out. Although the idea of Barack in a bikini (you'll see) is a little offputting.

In any case, enjoy.

Hello America!

As you may know, 2008 is going to be a g-rate year. I am so excited! There is to be a presidential election this year! Hoo-ray! Exciting times, exciting times. And whoa... so confusing! So much talking, so much anal-yzing, so much research to do to be sure the person who wins your vote truly reflects your values and goals for the executive of this g-rate nation.

Man, it's going to be tough.

Well, this is for those of you who say "To heck with that!" and are more interested in voting for a candidate based on snap judgments and small pop culture sound bites. For those of you who think it might be fun to vote somewhat randomly and therefore completely obliterate the careful work of concerned and involved citizens... I mean really, look how Bush turned out... can you really expect these people to act predictably based on what they say in the election cycle? Heck no!

So without further a-doo-doo, here is your





Mighty Rex Star Wars Guide to The Candidates



"My friends..."
"Luke...."
"JOIN ME!!"


Darth McCain

I had to get this one out of the way right from the top, because I know some of you were thinking "Hey, Vader being a powerful black man..." but NO! You need to drop those stereotypes, mister! Obama isn't remotely like Vader, and besides, as we learned in Episode VI, Vader was a cracker! Heavily scarred by traumatic experiences, torture, manipulation, the 2000 Republican primaries... he has the reputation of a "maverick"... remember the arbitrary slaughter of Imperial officers? the offer to Luke to join him?


...but Darth McCain ultimately serves the Emperor, voting with him almost every time. McCain could be redeemed someday, but only by succumbing to Force Lightning and tossing the Emperor into a pit... something he has thus far refused to do. Let's stay in Iraq... err... Tatooine... forever!






onward!








J'han Solo

Umm... Edwards... ahhh, health care, faster withdrawal from Iraq than uhhh... didn't he play the president in Air Force One? ummm.... He'll stand up to the Hutt business interests... uhhhh... Goddamn, he's pretty. Quick, lock him in a sheet of Carbonite so I can hang him on my wall.












Admiral Akbar
Richardsomething


Admiral Akbill

Man, I tell you what... you read Admiral Akbar's resume, take a look at his long career, his credentials, and it's amazingly clear how qualified he is to run a major government. What about his prescient snap evaluation... "It's a trap!" We sure could have used that in Iraq. Well-suited to command, noble, respected by his followers and his peers... but then, Akbar is from a place most people don't care about (Mon Calamari? Are you serious?) and looks vaguely ethnic... is he, I don't know... too fishy to be prez? Anyway, he deserves your vote. Who this Richardson cat is, I have no idea.














Limbba the Hutt

Oops, my bad, not a candidate. Sorry!











Ur Question?
Shh! 9/11!


Grand Moff Giuliani

We need a president who has experience running a large, unwieldy government. Like the Empire. "Hey, they said it was unmanageable, ungovernable... a large majority wanted to leave and live somewhere else," his campaign ads say. Well, Giuliani certainly turned things around... he built the Death Star! "By the time I left office," he continues, "the Death Star was the best example of conservative government in the galaxy!" Some folks might disagree with his foreign policy, though, consisting as it does of pretty much blasting whole planets into rubble.













Whobacca

Mrrrrrawwwwkkk!!!! Gronnnnkkkk!!! Mrran... wua ga ma uma ahuma ooma. "Whobacca?!?!"... GRONK! "Gravelbacca!!!" Hnn-rowr yrroonn nng rarrr!













Mitt Skywalker

Not quite as pretty as J'han Solo. But pretty. Kind of like how Aragorn was never quite as pretty as Legolas, except different. Anyway, Mitt's biggest appeal is that he's the likeable doofus scampering around the galaxy in search of himself, always haunted by the spectre of his father. On the downside, he's so conflicted it's hard to know where his true allegiances lie... he's infatuated with his own twin sister, he listens to apparitions of old men, he preaches religious tolerance... but only for those who believe in The Force. Sort of gives the impression he's been knocked off his Tauntaun a few too many times.












onward!











Princess Leia Orbama of Alderaan, IL

A young idealist constantly criticized for her "inexperience", Senator Leia Orbama once faced down Lord Vader with "Darth Vader. Only you could be so bold... and so stupid." Pwned! Ultimately might make a good team with J'han Solo, if they can get past their differences of opinion. Orbama shows pragmatism, thoughtfulness, and excellent presentation at official ceremonies, and yet can be a ruthless tactician and even a commando when the sitch requires it. A long experience in grassroots organization (on Endor), and also, pretty.


I cn haz Bootz. O yes.








Wicket
Huckabee


Wicket Huckabee

Speaking of Endor, that sort of weird foresty place where the Ewoks frolic and enjoy each other's company, right-to-work laws, and a ban on gay marriage, who'd have ever thought Wicket, a Republican true believer in The Force, could ever have risen to lead such a traditionally Democratic tribe? I mean, it's inspirational that he lost 105 pounds (he only weighs about 45 now!) and plays the bass, but can you really imagine introducing him to the UN General Assembly? "Ladies and Gentlemen, President Wicket!" How ridiculous. I don't think so.












Virtually
Unknown


Duncan Biggs Hunter Darklighter

Certainly the candidate with the most dramatic name, unfortunately this veteran congressman and member of the Armed Services Committee hates women and loves the unborn. Also known as "Red Three"; George Lucas doesn't really give us much more to go on, except for a vague homoerotic testimonial offered by Skywalker, who says (huskily) "We're a couple of shooting stars, Biggs, and we'll never be stopped." O rly?



Seriously, look it up in the book... it's near the end.














Nute Dodd-Gunray

Not to be confused with Newt Gunray, who isn't running, Nute Dodd-Gunray is primarily backed by the financial services industry, which he also just happens to regulate as chairman of the Trade Federation.

Hmmm.

Interesting.

Did you know he also dated Carrie Fisher for a while? For realio. She dumped his ass.














Obi-ron Paul-obi

Widely respected for his stubborn belief that the whole universe should be run just like his neighborhood on the backwater planet Tatooine, Obi-ron spends a lot of time wistfully remembering the Old Republic. He practices a peculiar interpretation of The Force, in which reducing government to only local control and returning to the gold standard is the answer. Obi-ron reluctantly returned the contributions of the Tusken Raiders and Jawas, whose politics of ethnic slaughter and droid slave trade he justifies as "states rights". While his anti-Empire foreign policy excites the Rebel Alliance, it's pretty much a Jedi mind trick. He's still a crazy old guy living in the desert.














Le Fett
Le Fred


Boba Fredtt

A fearsome enforcer for sale to the highest bidder, there's a reason they kept Boba Fredtt in the background and didn't let him talk for all that time. It turns out that when you give him a microphone and encourage him to take a bigger role, he's actually kind of dim and boring, even with a kick-ass spacesuit. Remember, when he was on Jabba's sand yacht, a temporarily blinded Solo whacked him with a stick, ignited his rocket pack, and sent him hurtling into the mouth of the Sarlacc monster. Hey, if Solo can humiliate him while blinded, do you really want him as your nominee? Embarrassing, right?










Douche
Bag


Tom TanGreedo

Meh, TanGreedo was a xenophobic freak who got wiped out early. Don't need to worry about him.











Jar Jar Kucinich

Nuff said.



Okay, really unfair. But remember how the Gungans were sort of these peacenik bumbly guys who sent Jar Jar to represent them in the Republic Government and then he sort of inadvertently started the Clone Wars or something? Kucinich actually admitted to believing in UFOs, man. I mean, everyone believes, but you don't go around admitting it.














SeeJoe Threepio

See, the funny thing about Cjoe3PO is that he'd probably make a pretty good leader. The Ewoks thought he was a god, remember? He's smart, informed, an excellent protocol droid, but he annoys the crap out of everyone because you can't shut him up. Still, he's been around since Episode I and looks pretty impressive when he gets all shined up. We could do worse. And what would be more kick-ass than Vice President Artoo? A mega-improvement, I'm just sayin'.













Hillando Clintrissian

Here's the thing. The Millenium Falcon was hers to begin with. She only lost it to Bill on a bet. Then she got caught up in that whole Cloud City thing in the Bespin system, which proved she could govern, I guess, but she's kinda hoping you won't remember that she totally sold out the Rebels to Darth Vader. That's how J'han Solo wound up encased in Carbonite and Leia ended up in a bikini on a chain. Hmmm. Actually, not so bad! And Hillando did do some nifty piloting against the New and Improved Death Star. Didn't she also record "Caribbean Queen (No More Love On The Run)"?



The thing that scares me is when you talk to her staff, they're like totally dedicated, but kinda scary. Everybody says how Hillando demands their loyalty and efficiency. All we all going to end up being taken over by our Bluetooths? Isn't this getting a little close to Borg territory, which would be a radically different story? Hillando... I just don't know.





Well, that pretty much wraps it up from here. Unfortunately, my favorite candidate isn't running.



"Do or do not... there is no try."


"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."



"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."



"Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things."



"Named must your fear be before banish it you can."






Vote.