Well, it's been 5 days on the road now, and I've slept through almost 1/2 of America. I've mostly spent my time eating, napping, and pooping intermittently, but there have been a few highlights that I was awake to experience, as well as several that have been relayed to me from my daddyo or mummsy.
We started off with a short jaunt to Kingman, AZ. Mom had to drive, because Dad spent the whole night before packing and never went to sleep. He tried to stay awake and keep Mom company, but he failed. In Kingman, we stayed in my first Motel 6. We had to stay there because we're traveling with my brother and sister, Yolee (formerly Lola but changed to avoid confusion) and Toby. Motel 6 is the only place they can stay without a fee. Also, it's cheap. That means Dad can save more money to put me in chic diapers.
In the morning, I met my Great Nana, Uncle Wayne and Aunt Wanda, and Nikki. Mom says Nikki is my cousin once removed, but I don't really understand how cousin math works so I'm just gonna call her my cousin.
When we got on the road, we headed for Flagstaff. We got to stay in a house, cuz Dad's old time buddy Sethamarethamascoopamabobbob Sharkey lives there, and we stayed with him. Seth (for short) is cool. He gave Mom and Dad awesome juice and breakfast sandwiches. We hung out with him and his gal Marcy. Well, I mostly slept, but hey, what do you want from me?
Next, it was on to Albuquerque. Between Flagstaff and New Mexico, we stopped so Dad could take pictures of me at a fake teepee and with the world's largest petrified tree. He says someday I'll be grateful for the experience.
Dad says New Mexico is his favorite place in the whole wide world. It smelled nice, anyway. When we got there, I met Uncle John, Aunt Nancy, and the kids, Jade, Kai Noa and India.
It's a little confusing, because Jade says Dad's her big brother, but that's not really true. But he's known her since she was born, so whatever. I'm not very good at relative math, but I think they're not real relatives. They're the kind of relatives you choose, Dad says. I hope we get to see them again soon. Uncle John cooked a mean dinner up for us. Ok, for people with teeth, but you get my point.
That night it was Motel 6 again. The one in Bernalillo is a lot nicer than the one in Kingman. It used to be a Comfort Inn. In the morning, it was off to Santa Fe. That's where Uncle Dennis and Aunt Seie live. They were really nice to me. I'm pretty sure I pooped twice while we were there, and my Dad insisted on taking a bunch of stupid pictures of me in some touristy part of Santa Fe.
In the afternoon, we drove to Amarillo. That was a nice drive. We passed some weird places. Like Cuervo, NM. All the buildings on the South side of I-40 are abandoned. The ones on the North side were mostly trailers, and Dad was pretty sure people lived there although I have my doubts. When we got to Amarillo, there was a big thunderstorm, and I pooped in my pants (unrelated). Amarillo was really humid. I have to say, I'm not so big on humidity. Mom wanted to know why they named it "Yellow." I tried to tell her it was "Amari-low," not "Ama-ree-o," but I don't have control of my vocal chords, so no dice.
That Motel 6 had a laundry room, so Mom washed all my sweaty clothes, and the ones with spit-up and poop on them. It also had pergo floors, which is pretty smart (Mom says so). My brother and sister didn't poo on the floor (that night), but I bet someone else's did. Dad says it's easier to clean pergo than carpet.
Next up, it was Shawnee, Oklahoma. In between, we stopped at the largest cross in the western hemisphere. It's made out of aluminum siding. Dad says nothing shows spiritual devotion like building gigantic crosses out of aluminum siding. There were also a bunch of creepy statues there. Most of them Jesus was getting beat up or forced to carry some really heavy stuff. One of them was of Jesus and an Indian Chief hanging out. I thought it must be a Mormon thing, since Jesus didn't meet any Indians in the bible. But then I remembered that Mormons don't like crosses, so that didn't make sense either. Finally, Dad told me it was a Roman Centurion with a funny hat, not an Indian Chief. I didn't know Romans and Indian Chiefs wore the same hats, but I guess you learn something new every day.
After the big cross thing, we went to a place called a "trading post." Mom wants moccasins, but she can't find any she likes. Dad made me take a bunch of pictures with weird stuff. I think he thinks I'm a prop.
When we got to Shawnee, Dad was all excited because of some old song. Then he got all upset because the internet told him that Woody Guthrie was a down and dirty liar, and Pretty Boy Floyd never did anything worth noting in Shawnee. Dad got pretty sad. I don't really know what any of that means. Motel 6 was full, so we stayed at La Quinta. They make you pay $10 per sibling. Yolee didn't appreciate that, so she pooped on the floor. It was a pretty nice place, but not quite as nice with dog poo on the carpet.
Today, we drove to Middleofnowhere, Arkansas (not your Kansas, Arkansas). That's where Grandad and Bobbi live. Dad says their house is wicked pissah, and it's too bad they live 50 miles from nowhere. But the stars here are amazing. At least, they would be if I wasn't asleep. Dad was pretty impressed with them, though. And today we drove past Troy Aikman's home town, and Mom and Dad stopped 3 times for ice cream and lime-aid at some place called Braum's. They kept talking about how delicious it is, but I don't have teeth or enzymes, as previously discussed, so I was left out of it.
Overall, it's been a pretty cool trip. I get my ass wiped, I sleep as much as I want, and if I cry I get to suck on boobies. Sometimes I get to suck on boobies even when I don't cry. Here are 10 things I've learned about America:
1) In Oklahoma, they put up signs announcing that famous people once lived in a town and inviting you to visit based on that and that alone
2) In Texas and Oklahoma they like to show their devotion to Jesus by building monuments on the side of the interstate. We saw at least 4, plus many billboards
3) All highway-side "Indian Trading Posts" sell the same stuff, really
4) West Texas is friggin humid
5) Mosquitoes are NOT cool
6) Motel 6 has a corporate policy against putting alarm clocks in their rooms (or at least a strangely consistent lack of them in just the Motel 6 locations we've visited)
7) Living in West Texas, Oklahoma or Arkansas would be tolerable as long as you lived near a Braum's, because you can get a giant cone full of delicious ice cream for $1.29. At least, that's what Dad says
8) Woody Guthrie is a damn dirty liar, and he is not to be trusted
9) There are petrified trees just sitting next to the highway in Arizona. You could just pull over and take one. Seriously
10) Oklahoma does not do much road maintainance on I-40
-Lila "Travel Baby" Sutton